...Things I Learned From President Bush's National Address On Iraq

1. Servicemen and women make colorful and attractive props.
2. If you just wait 30 years, the same old rationalizations for fighting an unwinnable war will sound fresh and new again.
3. The best way to defeat Saudi Arabians who are (probably) in Afghanistan is to go to Iraq.
4. "What WMDs? No. No WMDs - never said, never! 9/11! 9/11... 9/11... 9/11..."
5. I am not alone.

...Things To Do During Bush's National Address

1. Check-out The Communist Manifesto, Das Kapital, and The Anarchist's Cookbook from your local library.
2. Watch the movie "Inherit The Wind."
3. Celebrate the Sanctity of Marriage by going to Las Vegas, picking up the first stranger of the opposite sex you can find, marrying him/her in a drive-thru chapel, consummating the union in a bathroom at Circus Circus, and anulling it as soon as possible. Repeat if time allows.
4. Hand-out birth-control pamphlets to teenagers.
5. Catch-up on your reading: here and here

...Songs I Can Never Listen To Just Once

...But must be repeat every time I listen to each; sometimes they are put on "Repeat" for an indefinite period of time

1. God Only Knows : The Beach Boys
2. Granny : Dave Matthews Band
3. Defying Gravity : The "Wicked" Soundtrack
4. Ramble On : Led Zeppelin
5. Signed, Sealed, Delivered : Stevie Wonder

...Actors In Roles Perfectly Cast As Family (And Such)

1. Kyra Sedgewick and Julia Roberts as sisters in Something to Talk About
2. Patty Duke and Ned Beatty as Meg Ryan's parents in Prelude to a Kiss
3. MacKenzie Astin and Juliette Lewis as the children of Jeff Daniels and Debra Winger from Terms of Endearment - in it's sequel, The Evening Star
4. River Phoenix as the Young Indiana Jones/Harrison Ford in The Last Crusade
5. Beau and Jeff Bridges in The Fabulous Baker Boys (I'm not entirely joking)

...Things That Suck About The California Quarter

1. No specific references to the Bay Area; people tend to think of the Golden Gate Bridge when thinking of California
2. No specific references to Southern California; mentioning Hollywood, and the center of the world's film industry might have been appropriate
3. Nothing about the Gold Rush, or the string of Missions... Pretty significant pieces of History, I think
4. No one's first thought when thinking of CA is: "Ahh - the land of Yosemite!"
5. No one really cares about John Muir

See Here...

...Truly Beautiful, Non-Shmoopy Love Songs

1. Maybe I'm Amazed : Paul McCartney
2. I Would For You : Jane's Addiction
3. She's Got A Way : Billy Joel
4. Forever In My Life : Prince
5. At Last : Etta James

...Actors in Roles That Are Universally Accepted To Be Really Hot

(Regardless of age, race, creed, gender, species, socio-economic status, or sexual-orientation)

1. Paul Newman, as Ben Quick : THE LONG, HOT SUMMER
2. Clive Owen, as The Driver : THE HIRE series
3. Alan Rickman, as Hans Gruber : DIE HARD
4. Brad Pitt, as J.D. : THELMA AND LOUISE
5. Donald Sutherland, as Hawkeye Pierce : M*A*S*H

...Current Events That "Jumped The Shark"

1. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan (when asked about a statement made by Richard Meyers, involving a military issue) says that Myers - a five-star General and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - is wrong. May 16th
2. Terry Schaivo's parents "question the results" of her autopsy; though her brain had shrunk to half the size of a normal woman's brain, and showed she was blind and, in fact, in a persistent vegetative state.
3. Human Events Online publishes a list of "The Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries," which, for instance, rates the Kinsey Report as just slightly less "Evil" than The Communist Manifesto, Mein Kampf, and Chairman Mao's Little Red Book.
4. Vice President Cheney says in an interview on FOX: "I've never been able to understand his appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I've never met anybody who does. He's never won anything, as best I can tell." about DNC Chairman and 5-time Governor of Vermont, Howard Dean.
5. Michael Jackson's website equates his aquittal of all molestation charges with the birth of Martin Luther King Jr, the tearing-down of the Berlin Wall, and the freeing of Nelson Mandela.

http://jumpedtheshark.com

...Passing Thoughts Upon Hearing About The Michael Jackson Verdict

1. "Huh..."
2. "Really? Aquitted of all the charges... Was that just for the conspiracy-thingy or did they consider the molestation... REALLY? All the charges!?! Not even the misdemeanor furnishing alchohol to a minor?"
3. "When did it become okay for a jury to say that they turned against the defense over something like when the mother 'Snapped her fingers at them'? Shouldn't they at least know that this would be inappropriate to say?"
4. "Shit, that mother may be weird, but have they looked at this guy lately? How does he get his hair that straight? I mean, they're in Santa Barbara, right... Near the ocean. It's gotta be pretty humid... Damn, I wonder what kinda product he uses..."
5. Good God that Dan Abrams is a fine lookin' man..."

...Steps For A Successful Debate On The Death-Penalty, With Someone Very Much "PRO"

1. Do 2-5 shots - Tequila works best - but stay away from the brown liquors.
2. Calmly discuss and define the terms: "Deterrent," "Racial Bias," "Due Process," and "Cruel and Unusual."
3. Debate the realities of life imprisonment. Pepper this part with the phrase "Begs the question..." This will freak him out.
4. Get really statistical on his self-righteous ass.
5. Bring it all back down to a civilized, philosophical discussion of whether or not killing someone really shows that killing is wrong... All while repeating Step 1 until you either pass-out or forget what you were talking about.

...Clues That Life Is Spiraling Out-Of-Control

1. Your TiVo is at 92% capacity; the knowledge of which fills you with intense anxiety.
2. You rid your refridgerator of all out-of-date and spoiled foods, and are left with soy sauce and Parmesan cheese.
3. Your bills are turning colors heretofore never seen.
4. You've stopped really working at therapy, and have focused instead on trying to make your therapist laugh.
5. "Polls go up, and polls go down."

...Songs About Sex

1. Johnny Feelgood : Liz Phair
2. Rapunzel : Dave Matthews Band
3. If : Janet Jackson
4. 100 Ways : Porno For Pyros
5. Do Me, Baby : Prince

...Cool Things About My Cat, Prufrock

See Previous Entry...

1. He has extra-toes - seven claws on each paw - which makes him look like he has opposing thumbs. He uses these to box with my friends, and whack me really hard in the face when he wants my attention.
2. He fetches - and will often catch whatever it is while on the run, reaching out with his front paws and grabbing it mid-air like a football player.
3. He leaps straight up in the air - sometimes to the height of the very top of my refridgerator - to knock down the magnets and leave them in a little pile on the floor.
4. When I take a shower each day, he presses his paws and face to the glass and screams desperately... in an attitude of either: "Don't go where I can't follow..." or: "Hold on - I'll go find help!"
5. He puts a paw on me when lying next to me, just to be sure of me.

...Things That Scared Me As a Child

1. Oompa-Loompas
2. That my Mom fractured her spine - which she did, slipping on the driveway - as a result of my having stepped on a line. So, subsequently; stepping on a crack
3. That the creature living under my bed would grab hold of my feet if I didn't make a running leap
4. Volcanoes - after having read some dreadful story called "The Dog of Pompeii"
5. Spiders

...Quotations

1. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
   - David H. Comins
2. When a thing has been said and well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it. - Anatole France
3. He wrapped himself in quotations- as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of Emperors.
   - Rudyard Kipling
4. It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
   - Tom Stoppard
5. Phlox, recognizing early that she lacked a strong sense of humor, or rather that she lacked the ability to make up jokes, had memorized thousands of bizarre passages from books and from here and there, and had developed, in place of humor, an ability to drop these bombs into a conversation, sometimes with incongruous, killer accuracy. - Michael Chabon

...Things That Give Me the Heebie Jeebies

1. That razor-thin strip of cartilage that is now Michael Jackson's nose
2. The Church of Scientology in general, and Tom Cruise in particular
3. The notion that the universe is INFINITE
4. Those seconds-long spaces between words when President Bush speaks publicly - and his corresponding expression
5. Spiders

...Cool Things About Deep Throat: Unmasked!

1. Listening to G. Gordon Liddy - whose actions don't really inspire Dickensian "...But one life to give for my country" comparison - describe Felt as having "Behaved unethically."
2. Interviews with Sundance!!!
3. The sheer joy of hearing every single talking head repeating endlessly, en masse, the name of a 70's porn.
4. The knowledge that it was a disgruntled Intelligence official.
5. The hope that George Tenet - as well as any of the other G-Men on whom the blame for... 9/11, misinformation about Iraq, as well as just about everything else that has gone wrong in the last 5 years has been foisted - are likewise disgruntled.

Top One Most Un-Cool Thing About W. Mark Felt

1. That whole authorizing break-ins in the early seventies to round-up information about the Weather Underground...

Top One Most Fabulous Thing About the Above

1. The cool irony of Nixon having testified on his behalf at the trial, and Reagan pardoning him.

...Covers Better Than The Originals

1. Ziggy Stardust : Bauhaus : (David Bowie)
2. Dear Prudence : Siouxsie and the Banshees : (The Beatles)
3. Rock n' Roll : Jane's Addiction : (The Velvet Underground)
4. Hard to Handle : The Black Crowes : (Otis Redding)
5. Come Down in Time : Sting : (Elton John)

And, as a special Bonus:

...Covers That Should Never Have Happened:
1. Sweet Jane : The Cowboy Junkies : (The Velvet Underground)
2. (Sittin' On)The Dock of the Bay : Michael Bolton : (Otis Redding)
3. Helter Skelter : U2 : (The Beatles)
4. Rocket Man : Kate Bush : (Elton John)
5. All Along the Watchtower : Dave Matthews Band : (Bob Dylan)

***Now... Most of my loyal readers know of my love for Dave Matthews (Truth be told, he's got a little crush on me - he sends me flowers a lot.), but why, oh why do they have to play this damn song at every damn concert? Don't get me wrong, I like the song - particularly Jimi's version of it, but it just wasn't meant for the fiddle-horn-wackiness that is DMB. There are virtually billions (Billions, Gayle? Yes! Billions!) of versions of the damn thing, and it's on every damn live CD and DVD they have. Will someone, anyone, please talk to him and tell him to stop?

And when you talk to him, tell him to call me.

...Movie Remakes That Should Never Have Happened

1. The Truth About Charlie (2002) : Charade (1963)
2. Sabrina (1995) : Sabrina (1954)
3. Switching Channels (1988) : His Girl Friday (1940)
4. Psycho (1998) : Psycho (1960)
5. Meet Joe Black (1998) : Death Takes a Holiday (1934)

Top One Movie Remake that... well - ISN'T

1. The Italian Job (2004) : The Italian Job (1969)

Ummm... It takes place in LA... It's about an established group of elite, highly-skilled crooks... It's got that whole revenge aspect to it... It's got a really mean-spirited ending... But hey - it's got Mini's in traffic, so what the hell!

Really, it's a fine movie - just not The Italian Job - which I highly recommend.